Welcome to my life
by 7kj6j
Summary: Dean always does what is expected of him. Season one.
1. Chapter 1

A/N It stared out small. I swear and it grew... Song fic.

All my gratitude to my beta reader Michal for putting up with my stupid mistakes.

**Do you ever feel like breaking down?**

_"A vision?"_

_His voice cutting the air in the room._

"Yes. I saw the demon burning a woman on the ceiling."

_For some reason he sounded like he was defending himself._

"And you think it's gonna happen to this woman you met because…?"

_Disbelief. _

"Because these things happen exactly the way I see them."

_Dean jumped in, knowing by the look in his father's eyes what comes next. _

"It started out as nightmares, and then he started havin' them when he was awake. "

_Dean felt the tension in the room grow. _

_" Yeah. It's like the closer I get to anything involving the demon, the stronger the visions get."_

_And there._

_Anger. _

"All right, when were you gonna tell me about this?"

" We didn't know what it meant."

" All right, something like this starts happening to your brother, you pick up the phone, and you call me."

Dean felt his temper raise. Both by the fact that he was getting grilled by his father for not calling when it was something to do with Sam and the fact that his father was grilling like he was 10. 

_After 20 years of that he was getting pretty tired. _

_"Call you? Are you kiddin' me? Dad, I called you from Lawrence, all right? Sam called you when I was dying. Gettin' you on the phone—I've got a better chance of winnin' the lottery."_

He saw his father shocked by his words AND tone" You're right. Although I'm not real crazy about this new tone of yours, you're right. I'm sorry."

_Fuck tone dad, I'm getting sick of being blamed for everything. _

**  
Do you ever feel out of place?**

_The houses were all the same. _

_Perfect._

_Green grass, flowers, birds singing, children playing..._

_Looking at them you could almost believe life was so simple. _

_But Dean knew better._

_His thoughts returned back to the task in hand just as his tongue was ending the explanation. _

_"-blow my brains out"_

_He knew what for sure. _

**  
Like somehow you just don't belong**

_"He's not a healer."_

_She wasn't listening. _

_Could he blame her?_

"He healed you.

_Please..._

"I know it doesn't seem fair. And I wish I could explain, but Roy is not the answer. I'm sorry."

_...make her understand..._

" Goodbye, Dean. I wish you luck. I really do."

_...please._

"Same to you."

_It didn't work. _

_Seems prayers from people like him are not heard. _

_He watched her walk away._

_"You deserve it a lot more than me."_

_And forced his legs to move. _

**  
And no one understands you**

_"I-I just went out. "_

_His father turned to him. Anger slowly replacing the fear. _

_"What?"_

_He swallowed the panic raising at his fathers anger" J-just for a second. I'm sorry."_

_His father was holding his brother with all his might, but his glare was still on Dean" I told you not to leave this room. I told you not to let him out of your sight!"_

_Dean was left only to watch his father being a father...to everyone but him. _

**  
Do you ever wanna run away?**

_He took one last glance at Sammy, who was sound asleep in the bedroom. Soundlessly he left the room and headed across the street._

_To a moment of freedom. _

_A moment in which he could be the kid he wanted to be. _

_Deserved to be. _

_  
_**Do you lock yourself in your room?**

_The door opens and Dean feels a short charge of pride that the brat didn't forget the basics. He glanced around the motel's surroundings missing Sam walking to the room. Suddenly a hand grabbed his collar and Dean found himself yanked into the room. _

_Still a hurry freak. _

**  
With the radio on turned up so loud**

_He grabbed the cassette from his brothers grip and with one smooth motion popped it in the player, already raising the volume up to the maximum._

_"House rules, Sammy. Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole."_

**  
That no one hears you screaming**

_"Maybe? Maybe! What if you were wrong?"_

"Huh. Honestly, that thought hadn't occurred to me."

_He hung up before he said things that could make even the most boorish people feel embarrassed._

"Well, that honestly didn't occur to me". 

_He slammed his hand on the steering wheel._

_"I'm gonna kill him."_

****

No you don't know what it's like

_"I wish I could have that kind of innocence."_

_He turned to watch Joanna and Michael drive away and when he was sure that his face was blank when it came to his inner feelings. _

_"If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could, too."_

_I wish both us had that innocence. _

**  
When nothing feels all right**

_"Why do you deserve to live more than my daughter?"_

_I don't. _

_She walked away, but Dean - for what felt like the millionth time in his life - was left behind._

_Alone. _


	2. Chapter 2

**  
You don't know what it's like**

_"How did you get out of the cuffs?"_

_He turned on the sound of her voice._

_"Oh, I know a trick or two"_

_I know more tricks Than you can ever imagine was what he was thinking._

_But but saying it would get way personal for him. _

**  
To be like me**

_Sam turned to him. There was resentment in his eyes" No, I'm not like you. This is not going to be my life."_

_It stung...it stung hard. _

_His brother was looking at him like he was the universes worst crime. _

_But Dean Winchester never let his emotions show. _

_He was trained...he was raised to believe emotions are a weakness. _

_And hunting only made that belief stronger. _

**  
To be hurt**

_"You don't choose, I will."_

_The hot poker was so close he could almost taste it.The burning pain will soon be too much. His senses are in overdrive and Deandid the only thing he could._

_He screamed. _

_Screamed because this was what he was destined._

_He screamed for all he lost all those years ago. _

**  
To feel lost**

_His father was holding Sammy in his arms. But Dean didn't notice._

_All he could see was the only place he ever knew as home vanish in the flames. _

**  
To be left out in the dark**

_He was hanging from the ceiling. _

_Unconscious. _

**  
To be kicked when you're down**

_"Listen. You and your brother—"_

_The man looked panicked at the thought that they were staying; even if it was just for another hour_

_It made Dean grin. _

_He took pity on the man._

"Oh, don't worry, we're leaving town."

**  
To feel like you've been pushed around**

_"Fine. You're both so sure? Go ahead. Kill me."_

_His grip on the gun loosened thanks to the swat, his eyes were full of tears. His hand shook and he lowered the Colt._

_It must have been the panic. _

_"I thought so."_

_The elder Winchester looked up, eyes orange and suddenly both Dean and Sam were pinned against the wall._

_When will he learn to listen his instincts. _

**  
To be on the edge of breaking down**

_The kid was lost, drawing away, locking himself in the world where everything was fine._

_In a world where his life was intact._

_Where he was safe. _

_"See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom, and I was scared, too. I didn't feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom—I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that every day. And I do my best to be brave."_

_Dean Winchester knew what that world felt like...before his father ripped him out of it. _

**  
And no one's there to save you**

_"You hate me that much? You think you can kill your own brother"_

_Silence._

_"Do it!"_

_One shot. _

_Second shot. _

_Empty. _

_Both the gun and Dean's heart. _

_He forced the pain in his chest away and made his move. _

_"I'm not gonna give you a loaded pistol" _

_And for the first and what he hoped the last time he knocked his brother out with his fist. _

_"Sorry Sammy"_

**  
No you don't know what it's like**

_Just as they were out and 'safe' Sam ended on the floor , being punched with out holding back. He rushed over, trying to help his brother only to find himself crashing in the windshield of the nearby car._

_Dean slowly rose up, his training kicking in._

_What happened next was the most dangerous combination possible. _

_Brother and hunter in him working together. _

_He drew out the Colt and fired. The body of the young man fell down on the ground and he moved to his brother, getting him back on his feet"Sam…Sam."_

_His eyes fell on the body with a bullet hole in it's forehead. _

_It had to be done. _

_It had to be done. _

_But it didn't stop the guilt and sadness in Dean. _

_He pushed it away. _

_He pushed it so deep in his soul it would become a numb memory. Like every other thing like this he was forced to do. An achein his heart when he looks back. _

_"Come on. Come on, we've got to get out of here."_

**  
Welcome to my life**

_"When Max locked me in that closet, that big cabinet against the door—I moved it."_

_Dean laughed._

"You've got a little bit more upper body strength than I give you credit for."

Sam looked guilty" No, man, I moved it—like Max."

_With the Winchesters it always go the hard way. _

_"Oh. Right."_

"Yeah."

_Sam sounded like a ten year old boy who needed his brother to tell him it would be OK._

_The problem was Dean didn't know if it will be. If this will be something they will be able to get past it or will it be the thing_

_  
"Bend this" he raised the spoon in the direction of his brother._

Sam for some reason grew desperate" I can't turn it on and off, Dean."

_Well one question down...a few dozen more to go._

_Time for question No.2_

"Well, how'd you do it?"

"I don't know, I can't control it. I saw you die, and it just came out of me, like a punch. You know, like a freak adrenaline thing."

_Figures. Everything they do is tied with death so it's easy to assume that the 'ability' is too. _

"_Well, I'm sure it won't happen again."_

_I hope. If it does Sammy I don0t think I will be able to protect you. I can fight off monsters...but I can't protect you from youreself. _

"Yeah, maybe. Aren't you worried, man, aren't you worried that I could turn into Max or something?"

_Yes. _

"Nope. No way. You know why?"

_He kept his voice strong._

"No. Why?"

_His eyes determined._

"'Cause you've got one advantage that Max didn't have."

_Sam looked at him like he was crazy" Dad? Because Dad's not here, Dean."_

_No he isn't._

"No. Me" he even managed to smile. Sometimes Dean even scared himself" As long as I'm around, nothing bad is gonna happen to you. Now then, I know what we need to do about your premonitions. I know where we have to go."

"Where?"

"Vegas." 

_He smiled, easier this time. Sam scoffs and goes outside to the car._

_"What? Come on, man. Craps table. We'd clean up."_

_He smiled and grabbed his duffel bag, turning his back on the car and Sam his smile slipped. He turned off the light in the room and glared at the darkness. _

_You want him? Bring it on. You'll have to go past me first. _

_And I don't plan on losing that war. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Do you wanna be somebody else?**

_"You know we made a hell of a team back there."_

_"Yeah."_

_This time it was Dean who drove away. _

**  
Are you sick of feeling so left out?**

_He wasn't goning to ask._

_He wasn't-_

_"What's first thing Monday?"_

_Hey he tried._

" I have this…I have an interview."

_Talk about stupid reasons to worry about._

"What, a job interview? Skip it."

_Finding dad is more important than some job. It's a priority._

"It's a law-school interview, and it's my whole future on a plate."

_Apparently not. _

**  
Are you desperate to find something more?**

"_God works in mysterious ways."_

_Yes God works in ways to fuck me up even more than I already am._

_Warm, soft fingerswere on his face "Goodbye, Dean"_

"Hey."

_She turned around toward him. " Uh, you know, I'm not much of the prayin' type. But I'm gonna pray for you."_

Tears were in her eyes. 

_"Well. There's a miracle right there."_

_Another crack in his heart._

_Two people paid the price with their lives of his survival. _

**  
Before your life is over**

**  
**"_Look, Sammy, what can I say, man, it's a dangerous gig. I drew the short straw. That's it, end of story."_

_In more ways than one._

"Don't talk like that, alright? We still have options."

_His brother...the eternal optimist._

"What options? Yeah, burial or cremation. And I know it's not easy. But I'm gonna die. And you can't stop it."

_Determination was in Sam's stance._

"Watch me."

_Sammy was never much on letting go. _**  
**

**  
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?**

_"I mean, come on, Sam, a faith healer?"_

_His brother just knew he hated shit like this._

"Maybe it's time to have a little faith, Dean."

_Since when is his brother religious?_

_Apparently this heart thing comes in pairs. Death and little brothers with stupid ideas._

_"You know what I've got faith in? Reality. Knowing what's really going on."_

Sam was watching his every move like a hawk.

_"How can you be a skeptic? With the things we see everyday?"_

Dean held in the snippy words. 

_"Exactly. We see them, we know they're real._

_Enough of this topic. _

_"But if you know evil's out there, how can you not believe good's out there, too?"_

_Or not._

"Because I've seen what evil does to good people."

**  
Are you sick of everyone around?**

_"I got ya." _

_A_ _grunt escaped him._

He wanted to push it

_"I got it"_

_He always hated when he was sick. Everyone suddenly started buzzing around him. _

**  
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies**

_When the doors opened he had his game mask on. _

_Hiding his emotions. _

_His fear. His fear of being left behind by the only person he had in the entire world. _

_His family. _

_"Well, I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot."_

**  
While deep inside you're bleeding**

_"Come on, come on."_

_His big brother instincts giving him the adrenalin boost he needed. He pulled Sam up. He put Sam's arm over his neck, and they began walking out, until Mary comes out of the frame of the mirror. Years of hunting that have sharpened his senses alarmed dean of danger. They turned around to see her crawling over the broken glass. In the next second they were on the ground. Dean felt the blood running down his face. Before he could even realize what he was doing Dean grabbed the mirror and pulled it up before the damn witch._

He heard nothing but the witch's scream.

_He heard rather than saw her choking to death and then his eyes saw her melt into a pile of blood. Loosening his gripon the mirror he let it fall and shatter._

"Hey Sam?"

"Yeah?"

_His brother like him was coming down from the adrenaline rush. _

_Time for a joke. A distraction. _

_"This has got to be like…what? 600 years of bad luck?"_

_He only hoped Sam would never his eyes were bleeding too._

****

No you don't know what it's like

_"You never should've brought me here."_

_Sam was looking at him like a kicked puppy" Dean, I was just trying to save your life."_

His anger got the best of him. 

_"But, Sam, some guy is dead now because of me."_

**  
When nothing feels all right**

_"Then you wanna use the kid as bait? (DEAN raises his eyebrows in agreement.) Are you nuts? No! Forget it, that's out of the question."_

_Stop thinking like a civilian God damn it!_

"It's not out of the question, Sam, it's the only way. If this thing disappears, it could be years before we get another chance."

**  
You don't know what it's like**

_"This better be good!"_

"Where are you?"

_His brothers calmness only made him more aggravated._

"I'm in the middle of nowhere, with a killer truck on my ass!"

**  
To be like me**

_"Car trouble? Let me give you a lift. I'll take you back to my place."_

_He almost smiled at the words. _

_Almost. _

_So he settled for sarcasm._

"Nah, I'll pass. I usually draw the line at necrophilia."

_The vampire looked at him" Ooh" and punched him, only to pull him back up. _

_"Well, I don't normally get this friendly 'til the second date, but…"_

_He saw the hunger in her eyes. _

_And not just for his blood._

"You know, we could have some fun. I always like to make new friends." 

_The bitch kissed him._

_The desire to wash his mouth - with soap and detergent - was growing. _

"Sorry. I never really stay with a chick that long—definitely not eternity. "

_Two arrows hit their target and he is free from the grip. _

_See I told you I can never really stay with chick for the long run. _


	4. Chapter 4

**  
To be hurt**

_"You know, um…what you said about mom…you never told me that before."_

_With practice ease he pushed the pain inside away and placed a grin in his voice._

_" It's no big deal…Oh God, we're not gonna have to hug or anything, are we?"_

****

To feel lost

_"Hey, Dean, I'm sorry." _

_Sam apologizing was startling enough...but mixed in with the look of guilt in his eyes..."For what?"_

_The younger Winchester gave him a look that reminded Dean of when he was just a kid who needed his brother to tuck him in bed._

_"Well, you know….I've really given you a lot of crap for always following' Dad's orders. But I know why you do it."_

_He bit his tongue not to say the words that sprung in on his lips. _

_No you don't._

**  
To be left out in the dark**

_"You boys really screwed up this time."_

_His temper flared._

"Where is he?"

_He heard the arrogance in the demons voice. _

_"You're never gonna see your father again."_

_Dean saw the same anger and concern in his brothers eyes. _

**  
To be kicked when you're down**

_"All right, come on. We don't have much time. As soon as the flare's out, they'll be back."_

_He knew what he had to do._

_Let go._

"Wait, wait. Sam, wait. Dad, you can't come with us."

_It was for the best._

"What? What are you talkin' about?"

_It still surprises him how slow Sam is when it comes to hunting. _

_Naive. _

_He saw the understanding in his father's eyes. _

_It was dangerous._

" You boys—you're beat to hell."

_New orders._

"We'll be all right."

_I hope._

"Dean, we should stick together. We'll go after those demons—"

_...Sammy let go..._

"Sam! Listen to me! We almost got Dad killed in there. Don't you understand? They're not gonna stop, they're gonna try again. They're gonna use us to get to him. I mean, Meg was right. Dad's vulnerable when he's with us. He's—he's stronger without us around."

_His brother's eyes went wide and wild in panic._

"Dad, no. "

_He stopped him with his hand. _ _"After everything after all the time we spent lookin' for you—please. I gotta be a part of this fight."_

John sighted and the word naive jumped into Dean's brain. 

_"_ _Sammy, this fight is just starting. And we are all gonna have a part to play. For now, you've got to trust me, son. Okay, you've gotta let me go."_

_Silence. _

_And finally Sam saw it. _

_The real situation. _

_Feeling 20 years older than he was Dean started moving"Come on." _

_Once they were in the Impala the only thing left for them to do was watch their father vanish from sight. _

**  
To feel like you've been pushed around**

_"You hurt my brother, I'll kill you, I swear. I'll kill you all. I will kill you all!"_

_It wasn't a warning, it was a promise. _

**  
To be on the edge of breaking down**

_He gave his brother a meaningful look. _

"_We're gonna kill this thing. I want it dead, you hear me?" _

**  
And no one's there to save you**

**"**_Listen….you mind just gettin' this over with, huh? 'Cause I really can't stand the monologuing."_

_The demon with the face of his father moved once again to him. Away from Sam. _

_" Funny. But that's all part of your M.O., isn't it? Mask all that nasty pain. Mask the truth."_

_Fuck you._

"Oh, yeah? What's that?"

"You know, you fight and you fight for this family, but the truth is….they don't need you. Not like you need them. Sam—he's clearly John's favorite. Even when they fight. It's more concern than he's ever shown you."

_I know. _

_But he wasn't going to give the satisfaction of letting the demon know that._

_Fuck no. _

_His protection mechanism switched on. The sarcasm and hate in his voice scared him" I bet you're real proud of your kids, too, huh? Oh, wait, I forgot. I wasted 'em."_

_If you live long enough in the darkness the darkness becomes you. _

_He ginned weakly. Not giving up the fight. He was stopped psychically but his mind was determined not to without a fight. _

_Nothing came back into his face, instead his father's body took a step back, and lowers his head. A moment later, he raised his eyes again. Pain, pure pain. _

_Reaper multiplied with 20._

"Dean! No!"

_The scream didn't register in his brain, His or his brother's. _

_Blood, he felt, tasted blood._

"Dad! Dad, don't you let it kill me!"

_A son pleading his father. _

_The last chance. _

_Blood came out his mouth, chocking him. _

_"Dean!"_

_Sam was screaming. _

_"Dad, please."_

_The pain become numb. _

_He knew what that meant._

_He was about to die. _

_The bleeding stopped, John Winchester resurfaced for a moment but Dean didn't notice. To him the world went white and then black. _


	5. Chapter 5

**No you don't know what it's like**

_Tears have the ability to make people forget about their anger, purpose and lose themselves in comforting the crying person. _

_Dean used to react like that. Used being the key word. _

_His voice was empty when he spoke up" Finish it."_

_The fear flashed once again in the eyes" What? I told you the truth!"_

" I don't care."

_And the worst part...he truly didn't._

"You son of a bitch. You promised."

_Promises are meant to be broken. I learned that long ago" I lied! Sam?"_

_His brother was lost in thoughts. _

_"Sam!"_

_He held his anger under control and moved to him. _

_His voice growing harder and stronger with every passing moment. _

_"Read."_

_Sam was one steep from running away. Dean saw it in his face. _

_Samuel Winchester had that habit. When thins got hard, he wants to run. _

"We can still use her—find out where the demon is."

_Always looking for an escape. Dean was both jealous and irritated of that. _

_At the moment he was irritated"She doesn't know."_

_Sam was never good at giving up a fight. Especially when it was about something he didn't like but knew he had to do" She lied!"_

_The years trained control snapped and Dean was drowning in his usually suppressed anger._

"Sam, there's an innocent girl trapped somewhere in there. We've got to help her."

Bobby spoke up for the first time in minutes"You're gonna kill her."

_Dean's eyes snapped to the older man._

"What?"

_Bobby was looking at them sadly"You said she fell from a building. That girl's body is broken. The only thing keeping her alive is that demon inside. You exorcise it, the girl is gonna die."_

_He was one steep from totally loosing it._

_One steep..._

_"Listen to me, both of you, we are not gonna leave her like that."_

_"She is a human being."_

_...half a steep..._

"And we're gonna put her out of her misery.

_Bobby and Sam both knew he was right. He turned to his brother._

_"Sam, finish it."_

_...and he was there. His boiling point was reached. _

_The younger man glanced at the girl not far away, trying to get free. _

_"Finish it."_

_Last chance Samuel. _

_Lucky for all of them Sam continued reading. _

**  
Welcome to my life**

_"You meet someone like her, ever make you wonder if it's worth it? Putting everything else on hold, doing what we do? "_

_Yes Dean knew she was the one worth leaving this life for. _

_But it was too late for him. Maybe 10 years ago he would have been able to walk away but now...it was too late. Way too late. _

_How can you put on hold something that's a part of you?_

_So he did what he did best. Escape the topic and evade it's resurfacing._

_He smiled, the sunglasses hiding his conflicted emotions. Sam wanted to chew on this but he didn't. Not now, not ever. He slided into the role of the laid-back smart alec Sam knew. _

_"Wake me up when it's my turn to drive."_

**  
No one ever lied straight to your face**

_"Your dad? He's in here with me—trapped inside his own meat suit. He says "hi", by the way. He's gonna tear you apart. He's gonna taste the iron in your blood."_

_I know. _

_I failed. _

_The hunt always comes first. _

_I'm sorry dad...but to me family is always first. _

**  
And no one ever stabbed you in the back**

_The shot sent him backwords, the fake wall falling down under his weight. _

_His brother, his only family left, the 'kid' he practically raised himself stared down at him with pure hate. _

_Never saw that coming. _

**  
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay**

_"If you pull that string one more time, I'm gonna kill you. "_

_For a moment Dean though about letting it go. But he was like a dog with a favorite bone. Sam claimed that when they were younger. _

_So he pulled it again. Sam grabbed the string and pulled it again ending the laughter. Dean gave a laugh of his own. _

_"Come on, man. You need more laughter in your life, you know, you're way too tense."_

_Sam glared at him as he turned the computer to him. He started reading "We have learned from reputable sources that Mordechai Murdoch has a fatal fear of firearms." All right. How long do we wait?"_

_Sam closed the laptop" Long enough for the new story to spread and the legend to change. I figure by nightfall, iron rounds will work on the sucker. "_

_About time, how folks do this normal - boring - life shit?_

_"Sweet. "_

_He taped his bottle against Sam's and took a gulp of the beer,; warm beer. _

_He noticed Sam smirking. He went to put the bottle down, but it was stuck. The little shit glued it._

_" You didn't."_

_Sam raised the little bottle of superglue._

_That little...brat..._

"Oh, I did."

_Dean stared at him in shock. _

_Sam pulled the string and the wooden fisherman begins to laugh. The sound suddenly not so funny to Deanwho was trying to remove the damn bottle off his palm. Sam joined in with his own laugh. _

**  
Everybody always gave you what you wanted**

_"I want Lucky Charms."_

_He sighted" There's no more Lucky Charms."_

_But as always Sammy never gave up when he wanted something" I saw the box."_

_His irritation grew" Okay, maybe there is, but there's only enough left for one bowl, and I haven't had any yet."_

_But like he always did, his little brother gave him the 'sad' look in his eyes...and as always _Deangave _in and took the bowl of Spaghetti O's from the table. He dumped them in the garbage can and took out a new bowl. He grabbed the box of Lucky Charms and slammed them on the table._

**  
You never had to work it was always there**

_"Saved your ass! Talked the sheriff down to a fine. Dude, I am Matlock."_

_About time he get's arrested._

"But how?"

_He held in a laugh._

_"_ _I told him you were a dumbass pledge and that we were hazing you."_

But as usual Sam couldn't just let it slide. 

_"What about the shotgun?"_

_Dean sighted._

" I said that you were hunting ghosts and the spirits were repelled by rock salt. You know, typical Hell Week prank."

His sibling glanced at him" And he believed you?"

_The picture of Sam in the jail cell improved Dean's bad mood._

"Well, you look like a dumbass pledge."

**  
You don't know what it's like, what it's like**

_The reported was looking in the camera "An anonymous tip led police to a home in the Central West End, where a S.W.A.T team discovered a local woman bound and gagged. Her attacker, a white male, approximately twenty-four to thirty years of age, was discovered hiding in her home."_

_His fucking picture was on every screen. He pushed the feeling of uneasy away knowing his brother would detect it. _

_If he couldn't panic...then he could joke. _

_"Man! That's not even a good picture. "_

_He felt his brother glancing around, nervous as hell.  
_****

To be hurt

_One moment he was calming down his adrenaline full heart and in the next he was hitting the closet. _

**  
To feel lost**

_" I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna rip the bones from your body."_

"No, you're gonna burn in hell—unless you tell us where our dad is."

_She didn't speak, only glared at him. _

_"Well, at least you'll get a nice tan."_

_He gave Sam a silent nod.  
_

_"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus , omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio, et secta diabolica."_

_Meg suddenly screamed. _

_She was almost breaking down..._

" He begged for his life with tears in his eyes. He begged to see his sons one last time. That's when I slit his throat.

_Not many things managed to truly push Dean Winchester over the edge. But she just managed to find one. _

_Dean Winchester when truly angry was dangerous. Not even older, experienced hunters like Caleb or Bobby were crazy enough to go against him when he was like that. _

_Green eyes were slowly turning black with rage, he felt both Bobby and Sam shifting on their feel nervously. _

_He was beyond caring if he was scaring them. _

_His entire world was on the evil in the body of an innocent tied to the chair in front of him. _

_"For your sake, I hope you're lying. 'Cause if it's true, I swear to God, I will march into hell myself, and I will slaughter each and every one of you evil sons of bitches, so help me God."_

_He moved away from her, but not before catching a flicker of fear in it's eyes._

_And with good reason. _

_Because every word he just said was the truth. _


	6. Chapter 6

**To be left out in the dark**

"_So you want to give us your real name?"_

_They were both tired of this. _

_Like he did for the last few hours, Dean sticked to the story"I told you, it's Nugent. Ted Nugent."_

_The cop was glowering at him._

" I'm not sure you realize just how much trouble you're in here."

_Dean wouldn't be Dean if he didn't do what he always did._

_He pushed harder. Frying every nerve in the man's brain. _

_Hey you gotta have a hobby with all this visits to the county jails. Dean's was pissing people off"We talking like misdemeanor kind of trouble? Or uh…"squeal like a pig" kind of trouble?"_

_The cop held it together, he had to give him that._

"You got the faces of ten missing persons taped to your wall. Along with a whole lot of satanic mumbo jumbo. Boy, you are officially a suspect."

_Satanic mumbo jumbo...never thought of it like that. Yeah you could call it that. _

_He pushed ahead "That makes sense. Cause when the first one went missing in '82, I was three."_

"I know you got partners; one of them's an older guy. Maybe he started the whole thing. So tell me…Dean."

_What?_

_The journal was slammed in front of him._

_Dad?_

_"Is this his? "_

_He stared. _

_"_ _I thought that might be your name. See, I leafed through this, what little I could make out. I mean, it's nine kinds of crazy. But I found this, too."_

_Why did he leave the journal?_

"_Dean 35-111"_

_The cop looked proud of the fact that Dean was silent. _

_"Now, you're staying right here till you tell me exactly what the hell that means."_

_What the hell is going on dad?_

**  
To be kicked when you're down**

_"Don't be afraid I'm going to help you. I'm going to make you all better."_

_His hand slowly moved grabbing the lighter and putting it to good use. _

_He watched crazy doctor turn to dust. _

_My brain works fine, thanks. _

**  
To feel like you've been pushed around**__

"Dude, five-o take off."

Sam sounded worried.

_"What about you?"_

"Uh, they kind of spotted me. Go find dad."

_He hung up before Sam could start giving out stupid ideas. Like getting into trouble with him. He turned" Problem officers?"_

Policeman No.1 was itching to move" Where's your partner?"

Dean knew just how to hit the right nerves" Partner? What—What partner?"

While the other cop moved to the motel room he gave a silent prayer that Sam got out.

His eyes returned to cop No.1" So. Fake US Marshal, fake credit cards. You got anything that's real?"

_Time for the final blow. He grinned. _

_"My boobs."_

The cops shoved him down onto the hood of the police car, obviously not finding him funny.

"You have the right to remain silent."

**  
To be on the edge of breaking down**

_"Sammy, look….the three of us—that's all we have. And that's all I have. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holdin' it together, man."_

**  
And no one's there to save you**

_A paper clip was sticking out of his dad's journal. He took it and stared at it._

_When was the last time I got of jail this way?_

_He cut his brain's trip down that 'road' and took the road down memory lane with the sign: How to get out off handcuffs._

_Thanking some force out there that there was a fire escape he pulled out dad's journal. Strengthening up his clothes he somehow managed to make escaping down windows and fire escapes normal._

_Typical day in the life of Dean Winchester. _

**  
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)**

_"You know that guy I shot? There was a person in there."_

_His voice quivered. _

_It never quivered._

"You didn't have a choice, Dean."

_Always ready to forgive. _

_But if Sam had done it..._

_Sam wouldn't have been able to get past it. The guilt would eat him away, chunk by chunk._

"Yeah, I know. That's not what bothers me."

_"Then what does?"_

_He stared at the wall and his hands. Another doing that would become a numb_ _memory" Killin' that guy, killin' Meg—I didn't hesitate. I didn't even flinch. For you or Dad, the things I'm willin' to do or kill, it just….it scares me sometimes._

_He felt his brothers eyes on him. _

_Sam knew he couldn't say anything, because there weren't words for things like this. _

****

To be hurt

_He was in the backseat, covered in blood, exhausted. _

_Dean felt like he had just enough strength to breath._

"Just hold on, all right? Hospital's only ten minutes away."

_Sam was in the driver's seat very very near panic. _

_Dean didn't have the strength to calm him._

"I'm surprised at you, Sammy. Why didn't you kill it? I thought we saw eye to eye on this—killin' this demon comes first. Before me, before everything."

_Sam raised his eyes to the rearview mirror and that was the last thing Dean saw. The world went black. _

_"No, sir. Not before everything. Look, we still have the Colt. We still have the one bullet left. We just have to start over, all right, I mean, we already found the demon—"_

_He didn't even feel the impact._

**  
To feel lost**

_They stared at the other hoping one of them would break. Give in. _

_But in the end Dean was a soldier. A soldier that learned early how to obey orders. And what happenes when you don't. _

_So he did the only thing he knew what to do when it came to his family. He obeyed his father. _

_"Goodbye, Sam" _

_He closed the trunk, got into the car, and drove away. He felt Sam's eyes on him for the next few miles. He wanted to turn back. _

_But he kept driving, the black Impala blending with the darkness of the night. _

**To be left out in the dark**

_The streetlamps were flickering only to completely go out. _

_Sensing something behind him Dean turned around, the reaper was slowly walking towards him. _

_Like every other time in his life, Dean faced it head on. _

**  
To be kicked when you're down**

_"All right, let's get out of here, we're losin' daylight. Hey, Dean, why don't you touch up your car before you get rust? I wouldn't have given you the damn thing if I thought you were gonna ruin it."_

_Dean heard his father enter his own truck._

_He pretended like it didn't matter._

_But another crack appeared on his already beaten heart. _

**  
To feel like you've been pushed around**

_He was in the parking lot. The reaper putting his hand on his face. Pain like he had never felt before ripping his body and mind. At the church service, Roy was moving his hand to Layla's face. Outside the tent, a figure - Sue Ann - was praying. Inside on the stage, Layla fell to her knees, in the parking lot Dean with his strength vanishing did the Same. The color began to drain from his face as he gasps for breath, feeling life leave him. Behind the tent, Sam came up to the lone figure and tearing the cross from around her neck he threw it on the ground, shattering it. _

_In the parking lot the reaper suddenly snatched his hand back, vanished. Leaving Dean on the dirty ground; alone , shocked and scared. _

_  
_**To be on the edge of breaking down**

_"Look, here's the thing. When we were young, I pretty much pulled him from a fire. And ever since then, I've felt responsible for him. Like it's my job to keep him safe. I'm just afraid if we don't find him fast—please. (His voice breaks.) He's my family."_

_What he meant to say was: He's my only family. _

**  
And no one's there to save you**

_The trigger was pulled and in the next moment he was collapsing to the floor. A bullet hole in his head, blood covering the wall in the place he stood moment ago. _

**  
No you don't know what it's like**

_"Sam. You were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life."_

_He heard the disbelief in his brother voice"_ _Are you serious?"_

He held in a sigh. 

_"You've always known what you want. And you go after it. You stand up to Dad. And you always have. Hell, I wish I—anyway….I admire that about you. I'm proud of you, Sammy."_

_I'm proud that you managed to get away before it was too late and built yourself a new life. _

_The one I destroyed when I came back._

_"I don't even know what to say."_

_But I won't do it again._

"Say you'll take care of yourself."

"I will."

_For the first time in years he felt the urge to scream and shout at the injustice. The urge so strong he thought he wouldn't mage to stop if he started._

_Scream for his brother leaving him again, scream for his father who abandoned him without so much as a word, a mother taken from him, scream for the innocent people who paid the ultimate price for stupid mistakes mostly did by others._

_"Call me when you find Dad."_

_I just don't know if I'll be there to answer. _

**  
Welcome to my life**

_"Well, like I said before, the Lord guides me. I looked into your heart, and you just stood out from all the rest."_

_He feared the answer but like he always did...he faced the fear "What did you see in my heart?"_

_"A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn't finished."_

_Destiny did always chose the strangest people to spread her touch. _

_And destiny just likes keeping Dean Winchester on his toes. _

**  
Welcome to my life**

_"Even when we were kids, I always kicked your ass." _

_Itgrabbed a pool cue and swung with it at Sam but missed and broke the light fixture. Sam lost the battle quickly._

"Hey!"

_The Dean Winchester impostor spinned around to face the new adversary. Seeing the same face he also has on he rose up. _

_Is killing a face with your face and memories a suicide?_

_Dean- like everything else that complicated his life - pushed it away and fired._

_Till the day he dies he will always remember the strange feeling of fear as he watched the shapeshifter falling down dead. _

**  
Welcome to my life**


End file.
